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nimda
Curator of art Faggory
Joined: 18 Mar 2003
Posts: 12180
Location: on a mountain in colorado
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hear a good joke? post it here
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i got a couple in my email today from my grandpa, so i'll start:
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A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks..................
"What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no.
That will never work. That is much too crass.
Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?".
"Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."
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Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach and picks it up. Suddenly, a female genie appears from the bottle.
"Master, may I grant you one wish?" says the genie with a smile.
"Hey Bitch...don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman givin' me
nuttin!" barks Rodman.
The genie pleads, "But, Master, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to this bottle forever."
Dennis thinks a moment...then grumbling about the inconvenience of it all
he says, "Ok, ok...I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the
morning, so just do it!" Giving the genie an evil glare, he screams, "Now
leave me alone!"
So the annoyed genie says, "So be it!", and disappears back into the
bottle.
The next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, &
Hillary Clinton in bed with him. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and
he has no health insurance.
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hoo wah!! _________________ site5 hosting • facebook • flickr
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Tue Apr 29, 2003 1:26 pm
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detox
Naaaaaah. NaaaaaFLAC.
Joined: 20 Mar 2003
Posts: 4317
Location: Durant
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oldie but goodie (modified)
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It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez had just arrived.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Martinez.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"
Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."
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Wed Apr 30, 2003 12:19 pm
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nimda
Curator of art Faggory
Joined: 18 Mar 2003
Posts: 12180
Location: on a mountain in colorado
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The Big Fish
A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Really? Well help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the monster. "Father, that is the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as that Son of a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the church. While unloading his gear, and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's ok Sister. That's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Oh, well then what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch."
The Sister informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the Pope's dinner."
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"
"No, no, no. It's called a Son of a Bitch fish."
"Really? Oh, well in that case I'll fix up a great meal and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal, there was wine, and the fish was excellent.
The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught the Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the sister.
The Pope sat silent in disbelief.
And the friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"
The Pope looked at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face. "You fuckers are alright!!" _________________ site5 hosting • facebook • flickr
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Wed Apr 30, 2003 1:40 pm
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nimda
Curator of art Faggory
Joined: 18 Mar 2003
Posts: 12180
Location: on a mountain in colorado
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Two women are new arrivals at the Pearly Gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died.
First woman-- "I froze to death."
Second woman -- "You froze to death - how horrible!"
First woman-- "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"
Second woman-- "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."
First woman -- "So what happened?"
Second woman- - "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so ! exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."
First woman-- "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive!" _________________ site5 hosting • facebook • flickr
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Mon May 05, 2003 12:01 am
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Sagz
Jaeger Bomb!
Joined: 19 Mar 2003
Posts: 2160
Location: Norman
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A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey,
you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, You should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional
wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah...Not if I'm going to have to explain it five times." _________________ Thats the Biz sweetheart.
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Tue May 06, 2003 8:16 am
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MooseDog
Hay, look over their!
Joined: 19 Mar 2003
Posts: 3744
Location: Back in Oklahoma
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THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. Finally on her fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver who radioed the police and the man was arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her pregnant condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident...I just lost it."
"THE CASE WAS DISMISSED"
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Wed May 07, 2003 9:16 am
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NiTeLiTe
pwn3d
Joined: 20 Mar 2003
Posts: 136
Location: Bartlesville, OK
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since we are in the subjects of cars:
3 guys were riding in a car, one was a CE, the other an engineer, the last was a tech support. the car suddenly broke down and they pulled off the side of the road.
the CE off the bat yelled, "I call a team meeting."
the engineer said, "maybe if i look at the engine i can resolve the issue."
the tech support spoke out real fast," i have a better idea, why dont we just get out of the car, get back in, and see if it works!" _________________ Through gaming you will gain strength, speed, and dexterity. You will learn strategy, planning, and how to survive against all odds. Without these skills, you are no better than non-player characters.
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Thu May 08, 2003 1:22 pm
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detox
Naaaaaah. NaaaaaFLAC.
Joined: 20 Mar 2003
Posts: 4317
Location: Durant
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The Male Viewpoint
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1.. Learn to work the toilet seat. You are a big girl. If it is up, put it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1.. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be.
1.. Crying is blackmail.
1.. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1.. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1.. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1.. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1.. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1.. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1.. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1.. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1.. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1.. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1.. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1.. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1.. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1.. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1.. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1.. You have enough clothes.
1.. You have too many shoes.
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Fri May 16, 2003 9:32 am
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detox
Naaaaaah. NaaaaaFLAC.
Joined: 20 Mar 2003
Posts: 4317
Location: Durant
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From JunkMail:
Jack decided to go fishing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of fishing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the fishing weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our fishing trip up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
*fixed by Scope*
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Fri May 16, 2003 10:56 am
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